I was first turned on to Barenaked Ladies over a decade ago by the formerly lovely Amber.
“They’re good Canadian boys,” she said, “I think you’d like them.”
“No thanks,” I replied, believing I was above a band with a middle school name.
It must have been a few years after Amber and I broke up that I saw they were playing a free show down at The Bite. I called Pete in Parkrose, who knows a thing or two about niche rock and roll bands, and asked his opinion. He went on comparing them to some band or other and suggested I go check them out. I did. They were fantastic.
Over the next few weeks, their tapes became my soundtrack. I played them wherever I was. “Maybe You Should Drive” became my favorite, but there was something about “Born on a Pirate Ship” that I connected with. Page laid his soul bare for the listener. He sang about his struggles with weight on “Stomach vs Heart” and the monsters in his head on “This is Where it Ends“.
I have faith in medication
I believe in the Prozac Nation
You play doctor, but I’ve lost patienceBut this is where it ends
This is where it ends
Call the police and call the press
But please, dear God, don’t tell my friends
This is where it ends
This is where it endsWhere’s my pride? Where’s my self-esteem?
Does it show in the drinks I’ve bought?
I don’t hide every time I’m seen, but I try not to get caught.
Make excuses for behaviour
Can my illness be my saviour?
Hid my heart while you still gave yours.
“The Old Apartment” brings a tear to my eye every time I hear it and think of the place Amber and I rented shortly before our breakup. And on it goes.
The Steve songs are my favorites. They remind me of conversations Pete and I have had long into the night. They have given me hope when I’ve thought there was none. Steve’s been a great friend, even though he doesn’t know me from Adam.
I’ve met Steven a few times after shows in various cities. This is a picture of us in Spokane on a cold night in 2000. They were touring behind “Maroon“. Their west coast swing brought them to Portland while I was still living in Phoenix and to Phoenix after I’d moved to Portland. I didn’t want to miss them. So I flew up to the 509, got a hotel room, which turned out to be at the same place the band was staying, and caught the show. It was spectacular as usual, and meeting the guys afterward was the icing on the cake. I’ve made sure to hang out at the backstage door every time I’ve seen them since.
My most memorable encounter was in Vancouver BC in 2003 (although it could have been 2004). The band had put on a spectacular set which included the rare “Powder Blue“, a Page masterpiece, both lyrically and vocally. The highlight though was the introduction he gave to “War on Drugs”. He talked about the difficult process of recording the band’s second album, the aforementioned “Maybe You Should Drive”, in Vancouver.
“Every night after we were through recording,” he said, “I would walk across the Burrard Street Bridge, back to where we were staying. And every night I would hang on to the side for dear life until one night I realized I wasn’t frightened of falling, but rather I was frightened of jumping. And I lay down on the sidewalk for probably ten minutes, but it felt like an hour, until I gathered the strength to stand up and trust myself to cross to the other side of the bridge.”
It was a punch to the gut for me. I’d been there plenty of times myself. After the show, as I waited patiently for Steve to make his way down to me, I went over what I wanted to say over and over.
First, he’d lost a bunch of weight. I asked him what his secret was from one fat guy to another.
“You’re not gonna like it,” he said. “Diet and exercise. I literally have to think about everything I stick in my mouth.”
Then we got to the part about mental health and jumping. He seemed truly affected by what I had to say.
We shook hands and he moved on to the next town. It was the last time I saw him until yesterday.
Steve was picked up earlier this week at an apartment outside Syracuse and charged with cocaine and marijuana possession. I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked, but I am. The last time I saw him, he was happily married, with a couple of kids, and living in the suburbs of Toronto. He’d survived all that crap and carved himself out a nice little life. We should have all been so lucky. How it was he’s found himself dating someone a decade younger and (allegedly) doing rails off a kitchen table, will make for an interesting record in a year or two. I’ll certainly buy it.
But why? What in the heck was he thinking (allegedly)? My guess is he’s going through the same thing I am. Here we are in our late-30s. We’ve tasted a little success, but that stuff is in the past. We’ve checked a bunch of stuff off our respective bucket lists, but somehow it’s still not enough. What the heck else is out there?
It’s thoughts like these that lead men to leave their wives and start hanging out in places they really shouldn’t. Places like an apartment in Syracuse with two girls you met on Facebook.
Thinking about it today, I thought about my own struggles with mental health. The thing is, no matter how sunny things are in your life, and right now it’s nothing but blue skies and ocean breezes in mine, that little black cloud is always around. And you’re always aware of it. It could be over your shoulder. It could be way out on the horizon. But it’s there. It’s kind of comforting in a way, because you know you can always run to it and find refuge. You can hide inside it and shut out the rest of the world. Sometimes it’s a struggle to keep looking ahead, goodness knows I’ve had my moments. Page discusses the struggle at the end of “This is Where it Ends”.
I have loved and I have waited
Been picked up and been sedated
Mental health is overrated
I’m guessing he’s right back where he was in 1995. That’s not good. Life is meant to be lived in the sunshine. I thought that, like me, Steve had found his spot in the sun. Apparently he’s given it up for the ease of the moment.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever picked up came, from of all people, Colin Cowherd, who said “never try to be happier than happy.” Yeah, there’s a ton of other stuff out there. And yeah, you could probably go experience all of it if you want. But you really screw things up when you do. Hopefully Page has learned a lesson here. I hope.
Update: A shout-out to everyone from barenaked.net who have stopped by. I wonder sometimes when I open myself up whether I make any sense at all. I’m glad to hear that I did. Thanks for all the kind words both here and on the board.
26 responses so far ↓
1 sharon // Jul 18, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I feel so sad about this. I love these guys with all my heart. They have ment so much to me, their music has helped me thru alot of ups and downs, especially lately. I hope Steve works thru all this. I feel for him, I really do. He will be in my heart and prayers.
2 Bhoutros // Jul 18, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Nice post. I think there are a lot of people who feel like us (and who fel like Steven Page). Good luck to Steve - we hope he gats the help he needs.
xoxo
3 christine // Jul 18, 2008 at 5:30 pm
wow. what an amazing entry.
i think you summed up a lot of how a lot of fans are feeling.
may his eternal sadness someday turn to content.
cheers,
cg
4 lawyerchick92 // Jul 18, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Thank you for writing a touching article, which I believe accurately portrays the feelings of so many BNL fans. I have seen BNL more times than I can count and have also met the Ladies on many occasions. I can say without reservation these talented men given 110% to their fans and are wonderful human beings. Steven’s gifted voice has carried me through many a trying time, bu more than that he is a human being. Something, which seems to have been lost on so many reporting on this story. My heart and thoughts go out to Steven during what can only be described as a painful and humiliating time.
5 Keith // Jul 19, 2008 at 3:49 am
Thanks for helping me understand this all a little better. I appreciate your sharing this.
6 Rick // Jul 19, 2008 at 4:11 am
Wow…great article. Thanks for sharing
7 Karen // Jul 19, 2008 at 5:08 am
Thanks so much–this is such a contrast to most of the garbage that’s being written on the internet about this incident, and I think there is a lot of truth to it. It helped me to sympathize more and criticize less. Thank you.
8 Kristin // Jul 19, 2008 at 5:18 am
Thankyou for writing such a beautiful article. Its much needed and much appreciated in a time where people see nothing wrong with ripping this man to shreds. Steves voice and the bands music have at times been the only thing i could cling to in my own times of depression. I want to be there for him like he has been for me. Thankyou for putting the real steve out there for us, as so many of us know and remember him from back stage-door meetings, and for being a true BNL fan.
9 kentuckygirl // Jul 19, 2008 at 8:05 am
Such sadness when I heard - he must be going through a rough patch in his life. My husband and I have seen BNL so many times — since I was in college in 1993 and as we were dating in the mid-90s. They are huge part of that first chapter of our life together. In fact, we JUST saw them perfrom at Horseshow Casino in Southern Indiana on Saturday, July 12 — just one day after the arrest and days before the news eventually broke publicly. Wonder what he must have been thinking on stage that night — we’ll never know. I was so sad for him when I heard about this. BNL are a joy - their sound and lyrics are so special — listening to their CDs non-stop in the car this week. I like how you call BNL your “soundtrack” - ditto. This must be a painful and difficult time in Steven’s life. After a handful of years not seeing BNL - I’m so glad we got to see Steve and his crew just one week ago. May he find peace. Thanks for a great post.
10 Sarah // Jul 19, 2008 at 8:40 am
I first saw BNL in 1995 when they were playing on my campus, and I have been seeing them at least once a year ever since. I smile thinking of them and do not listen to much else but them on a daily basis. I was shocked and saddened to hear about Steven and the situation he finds himself in. I understand the darkness of deep depression and the struggle to find an out… whatever it may be.
Thank you for such an honest and personal article.
11 betty // Jul 19, 2008 at 1:40 pm
i’m glad you found your spot in the sun and hope mr. page does as well.
12 Christian // Jul 19, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Im amazed by the number of people who loves stevens songs and have depression problems…im one of those, and im grateful to have found in stevens voice the strenght i needed to give life another chance. I absolutely loved what you said chris, i feel torn inside by steve, i dont even know the guy but trough his songs i understand what he must have endured, i wish him all the luck and strength to transform this sadness into a peaceful life, happiness its not a goal, just a road… and hugs to everyone who feels sad about this…
13 Shell // Jul 19, 2008 at 6:18 pm
I recall seeing Steven Page wandering along Front Street in Toronto, years ago, and he looked so sad that I didn’t approach him to tell him how much I loved his words and music and BNL. I know what it’s like to live with that kind of sadness, or, as one wag stated, I lived in Depressionville. I do my best to stay out of that vile place, and BNL often helps, as do The Smiths, New Order, and other music that some would consider depressing. There is a kind of joy in listening to music in knowing that the people who were/are making it are just like me. They’re happy, they’re sad, and they are vulnerable, as we all are. I’d like to throw my arms around the whole of the community that have been made blue by these events, and let ‘em all know that things will get better.
14 "Mr. Sympathy" // Jul 20, 2008 at 7:53 am
I’m glad that people are finally turning around and deciding to support a man in need.
I tried this on that “cruise” message board and for lack of a better term, got lambasted for it, enduring one disagreement after another. I suppose I could have been sarcastic and posted,
“…..What..? Too soon?”
Rather, I passionately attempted to try to show people where I was coming from only to suffer further slings and arrows from those who were just too angry at the situation to step back and take in the whole picture.
I understand that people are human and horrible circumstances, (such as a sloppy divorce and the resulting depression created from that), force people to make poor decisions out of a desire for any kind of human kindness or acceptance…..or “M’Steaks” as Ed would quip…..time for a lot of salt…..
I posted my version of “hey let’s show our support” and before I knew it, I chose to remove myself removed from that group of narrow-minded folks on that board out of disgust for what I thought were a group of supportive “fans”.
Thank you for your well-thought and touching block of text on this corner of the Internet. You, like myself, seem to “get it” and personally, I forgive Steven and will continue to offer my support in any way I can.
If you haven’t already hit the link I’ve left here and spread the word about it.
“-L-”
15 Heather // Jul 20, 2008 at 7:44 pm
After reading too many comments from pedestal-sitters who point and scoff at seeing Steven fall, I was so relieved to find your article. I am comforted to find a group of fans who are not disgusted, but saddened, not apathetic, but empathetic.
I have watched BNL since they had their early start while I was still in highschool. I have loved their music and their humour, and now I have the joy of watching my children sing along to not only Snacktime, but almost all of their music. I feel like they have been a part of my life’s soundtrack and a part of my family.
Steven’s arrest was a shock.
I have searched websites since for interviews, history, anything to find out why… why him, why them?
I found out about his struggle with depression, his separation - subjects both very familiar to me.
It instantly made sense.
You either deal with it, or stuff it down. You choose therapy and antidepressants, or drugs and alcohol. Steven’s choice, sadly has been plastered all over the news. My heart breaks for him.
I thank you for writing from your heart, Steven deserves no less. My hope is that he finds the mental peace that he is searching for.
16 Mechamaniac // Jul 23, 2008 at 7:03 am
Y’know, this is one of those moments in my life where I realize what an idiot I am at times. I have listened to BNL for many years and have always loved their wit, their humor, and especially their talent. Oddly enough, even being a huge fan, I never realized until this incident that Steven had battled with Depression. Now, I literally have to smack myself on the forehead and wonder how I could have been so dense all these years. I mean jeez, it was right there in the lyrics I’ve been coveting for more than a decade. All the times I spent with my wife talking about what song A or song B “meant” and it just never dawned on me that Steven is apparently a very deeply troubled guy. As someone who has experienced Depression, my heart goes out to him.
However, I am also disappointed because though I have never met them, I always got the impression that these were “regular” guys that didn’t fall into all that celebrity BS. Steven and I are the same age, so to me, it smacks of a mid-life crisis which is sad. I can’t imagine leaving my wife and kids for some kid more than 10 years my junior. And having had my Wife literally save my sanity during my experience with anxiety and depression, I cannot imagine a better place to be than with your family at a time like this. Falling into (or maybe back into) drugs, and seemingly trying to forget who you are makes it all the more sad. I hope Steven can pull himself out of it before he starts shaving his head and forgetting to wear underwear whilst getting out of a car.
17 zoe // Jul 26, 2008 at 8:29 pm
no one’s perfect - we all hit the wall in various ways, at different times in our lives. steve messed up, sure, but who honestly can say they’ve never caused some chaos by acting like a fool? hopefully, with the help of his friends, he will be able to pick himself up and get on with living. regret and self-recrimination won’t get steve anywhere worth going, just as ill-informed judgement on our (the public’s) behalf, is just as futile and twice as dangerous. after all, this is a man’s life, not a soap opera.
18 Karen // Jul 29, 2008 at 5:13 am
That is really beautifully written. I must admit I can’t readily understand depression and that dark cloud that lingers nearby even in blue skies and ocean breezes times. My husband is eternally depressed and I get frustrated with him, especially when things are going well. I am a glass half full girl and just can ride out those rough times. And blue skies really are blue for me; there’s no tinge of gray. I want to understand better. I should feel guilty that it’s through a celebrity that I am finally beginning to see, but there is something about Steve’s situation that brings a new comprehension to me. I’ve been supporting him and defending him…..ahhh, yes. Better look a little closer to home there, Karen. At any rate, thank you for this. It’s awesome and appreciated. And my love for Steve and BNL is stronger than ever.
19 BR // Jul 29, 2008 at 10:47 am
You know, I’ve seen these guys about 45 times and I have to say, not hindsight or anything, but I’ve told my wife the last 4 or 5 times I saw them I didn’t care to again. It wasn’t the same and something was definitely different in the music and the band. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, and maybe they’re growing away from the happy go lucky stuff, the fun music, and are getting darker because of the experiences they’ve had with fame. It’s possible, no? Even understandable?
But, maybe the demons started to show… we all have them but when you’re famous the demands are greater, the stresses bigger. These guys aren’t superstars, they’re musicians and people like every one of us. I’m not saying what was done is right or okay, but I’m not passing judgement either. Let the guy work out whatever he’s got going on and hopefully, he’ll be better for it. Best wishes….
20 Colin // Jul 31, 2008 at 9:31 am
Excellent article, you really hit the nail on the head there. The bands music and Steve’s delivery has always spoken to me, as if it was some sort of soundtrack to my life. I guess I am not the only one
21 Shelly // Aug 4, 2008 at 3:25 pm
This is amazing… speechless amazing. Truly one of the best posts I have ever read. Hang in there, Steve… and everyone else who lives with the dark demon of depression.
*Hope you don’t mind I linked this on my site.
22 serena // Aug 16, 2008 at 1:19 pm
fantastic post…and thank you for opening up and sharing like that.
i have been touched by depression and drug use myself…i am thinking alot of people have…
i hope that people can open up their minds and hearts and stop being so judgemental (as i have seen on other forums…but not here).
he is a man. a human. and even though this is all still “alleged”…i can completely understand how a depressed person turns to drugs….right or wrong. sometimes….the cloud is so dark…there is no light…no hope of light. a very scary place to live. no one knows what any other person is living with…what tragic, traumatic events may have occurred in their lives…
we need to have compassion and understanding for our fellow humans….
thank you for this post….and all my best to steve…
23 Amber // Aug 22, 2008 at 10:54 am
Wow, thanks so much for posting. Your description of the black cloud rings true for me, as it does for many I’m sure. I love the “never try to be happier than happy” quote, and will do my best to adopt it in life.
Have you sent this to Steven? I’m sure they read the C&A. I think he could use your supportive words.
24 Chris Snethen // Aug 22, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Have you sent this to Steven?
I wouldn’t even know where to send it. The link has been on C&A and a few other places. I’m sure by now either he or people close to him have read it.
25 A bad summer to be Barenaked // Aug 24, 2008 at 11:03 pm
[...] month it was Steven Page getting arrested for cocaine possession. This evening comes word that fellow bandmember Ed Robertson was involved in a plane crash in [...]
26 Sharon // Aug 27, 2008 at 10:05 am
Is he any different than any other music star?
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